Ask Your Coach - People Pleasing
Topic of your question: Business / People pleasing Ask your question: i know i need to charge and i have prices but then someone tells me what's going on in their life and i feel bad and offer to do it free and then i'm mad at myself because i need money too and nobody even asked me for a discount so why do i keep doing this
Coach Karynn's Answer:
You said "I know I need to charge." What is the sentence that pops up in your brain after you say that?
If you do it for free, why do you have prices? Why don't you just form a nonprofit or offer free services? What are the prices for? I ask this with curiosity - no judgment.
Think about the last time you offered your work for free. What was the sentence in your mind right before you offered?
What feeling came with that sentence, and what did offering it for free do for you?
What did that choice cost you? What did you gain?
If you waited three days before offering, what would you give yourself time to decide? Some say people pleasing is a trauma response. Others call it lying. I think both can be true, but a better question to ask is - did you decide to "people please" on purpose, or is it your default response? Feel the difference. I have been people-pleasing all my life. I was raised to say yes, to be polite and kind, and to live a life of service. To others. I was never told to offer the same to myself. So for me, people pleasing was inauthentic because: 1. I wanted to be loved for it 2. I was deeply worried about what people would think about me if I said no, even if I had very sound reasons. 3. I wasn't ever, ever, ever offering the same grace, service, and politeness to myself! The total opposite. I would say yes, not get the thanks I hoped for, and then sit in total self-loathing, analyzing every move and every word I said, and feel intense shame for not doing it right. I could give examples, but this showed up absolutely everywhere in my life. So how did I change? How did I stop people pleasing? And how does this relate to business? What you do in your business, you're alerady doing in your personal life. The circumstances may be different, but your thinking is the common denominator. When I would think that I was helping by giving my services away for free, was I really helping people, or was I stealing their opportunity to feel a just, energetic exchange? Looking back, everyone was so uncomfortable and I was just adamant that they get a deep discount or free portraits. I literally did the opposite of creating a profitable business. I devalued myself, my services, and my clients! They are incredibly smart, beautiful, capable people and I made them feel inadequate - like I thought I was better or had more to give. Once I saw it this way, I realized that I could still offer the help I love giving and still please others, but with purpose. ON purpose. And with consent. Forcing your service on others feels good for about 1 nanosecond. To you. And even if they accept with excitement, what reason do they have to come back unless it's for more things...free? If you've ever felt taken advantage of, do you think this could be part of the reason? I decided that I would have an answer ready if I was ever asked for discounts or free work. I decided to open up a limited amount of free scholarships and scholarships that can be applied to the full price. Now, I can quickly answer by offering those. What is your answer? What is one answer you can have - for someone else or for yourself - so you have time to pause and decide how or even if you want to give anything away for free. You said you're mad at yourself. Is that helpful? Does it help you to make a decision that feels better? My guess is that it doesn't feel great. This is where processing your emotions is useful. And asking why you are mad is helpful. Is it because you feel like you're betraying your own needs? Maybe start there.
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